I’ve not written about my #100daysofhappiness since Day 56. I’m now on the home straight of the 100 days (today is day 94) so thought now would be a good time to break my silence on the happy days.
There’s lots of happy days to update you on…Life has been pretty full on over the last month so I’ve not been blogging BUT today I come to you from a very happy place! Not literally, I’m in my kitchen… but just generally. First, an update on my happy days…..
Day 43 – Had a visit at work from a lovely friend
Day 44 – An evening of lols last night with my girls to celebrate Miss Laurian’s birthday
Day 45 – Little visit to see my faves today even if I wasn’t the usual fun Auntie Katie due to a LOT of booze last night
Day 46 – Went upside down with no hands at pole tonight! Whoop!
Day 47 – Lovely catch up with friends and their kiddies
Day 48 – Free Boost because my name came up in their social media campaign, lovely catch up with Trottski and came home to a really lovely card from my Auntie Susan
Day 49 – This time next week I’ll be packing my bags to head off to Liverpool! Excited!!
Day 50 – Worked with a lovely group of young girls today. Giving back to the local community makes you feel good!
Day 51 – felt good to get back out on an outdoor run
Day 52 – had a lovely evening with some lovely ladies
Day 53 – Just finished a pretty awesome cake and went upside down with no hands again tonight
Day 54 – PANCAKES
Day 55 – packed my case ready for my weekend in Liverpool!
Day 56 – Found this forgotten photo from Thailand
This doesn’t take us to today (I am on Day 77) but I’ll post the rest of the days later.
Now, I want to say, I dread to think how I would have been feeling over these 77 days if I hadn’t embarked on #100daysofhappiness. It’s been tough but I’ve found that forcing myself to see the positives each day has really helped and I was beginning to feel loads better about life.
Then, out of the blue I got a text from Mr Not So Perfect to ask how I was. I had ALL the intentions of not replying but then 3 days later I got drunk. So at 4am, I stumbled through the front door and had the genius idea of responding. Good one Katie. It resulted in a bit of back and forth, no niceties from my side and obviously, the next day fear set in and I knew I had made a big mistake. When he then text again a few days later fishing for me to tell him I still cared for him, I told him to never contact me again and he agreed he wouldn’t. I was really proud of myself. But I regressed and suddenly went back to feeling the same way I did in the days after I found out the truth and it was really horrible.
BUT slowly over this last month I have been trying to put things into perspective. I’ve been through worse in life, I really have. It’s not something to talk about here but the love and strength my family and I had got us all here today so I thought, if I got through that, I can get through this. And it got me thinking, I have been devastated, sad and heartbroken over this numpty whilst other people in my life have been dealing with much bigger challenges, battles and heartbreak, suffering much more pain, worry and sadness than I have had to deal with in the last few months. I’ve just been too self-absorbed to think about it before.
Someone asked me this week if I’m happy being single and truthfully, I said I am. I am getting to know me and what I want in life. I love my life, I enjoy living it the way I do and it’s going to take someone special to become a part of it.
Something has worked though… Mr Not So Perfect stuck by his word for almost a month. Until earlier this week. He contacted me to again say he is sorry, he still thinks of me and that I will always be in his thoughts. I’ve not replied. I’ve actually found it laughable and it’s made me more determined than ever to keep smiling.
Lots of Love
You often hear that the people who come into your life are either a blessing or a lesson.
A month or so ago, over a *few* bottles of prosecco with one of my best girls, we were chatting about life. Since I found Mr (not so) Perfect, conversations about Mr Long Term dwindled but that evening there was a rare mention. I think I’d said something about being with him so long was a mistake… I think (my memory is slightly cloudy due to the bubbles). But then I corrected myself.
We had some great times together and made some very happy memories. We were a good match and yes, it wasn’t meant to be but I can look back on the majority of my time with him and smile. Yes we don’t love each other anymore but that really doesn’t make him a bad person and yes, he can be stupid a lot of the time but he has a kind heart. He is/was most definitely a blessing. Ms S told me how happy that made her and that one day she hoped I would be able to say the same thing about Mr (not so) Perfect.
I’m going to be honest (as always), I didn’t believe his story about his wife being pregnant. I didn’t know what to believe. But this week the wonderful world of Facebook confirmed that it was in fact the truth. They will be adding to their family. I’m not going to lie, it was like a punch to the stomach. I thought it was another lie so that I wouldn’t spill the beans to her about his extra curricular activities. It made me really sad for her, the poor girl thinks she has the perfect life, husband and family and all the time he has still been texting me wanting to see if I am ok.
What annoys me is that he gets to carry on his life as if nothing ever happened, he gets to go home to her, if he needs a cuddle, someone to talk to or to feel loved unconditionally, he has that. I have to deal with what he’s done and live with a disgusting secret. I have to pick up the pieces on my own, questioning why he did this and why to me? What annoys me the most though is that I can’t understand how it’s possible to miss somebody so much when they are quite clearly one of the worst human beings on the planet. Why is it not just possible for your mind to go ‘He’s a dickhead, you are not permitted to think about him anymore.’
I’m not sure yet whether Mr (not so) Perfect was a blessing or a lesson.
A blessing maybe because aside from being a massive liar and a cheat, to me he was perfect. He did know how to romance a girl and make her feel special. He did take me to some great places, give me the ability to feel something I never thought possible and we did make some amazing memories. He became one of the most special people in my entire life.
A lesson maybe too though. A lesson in trust, faithfulness? A lesson to not be a free with my heart? A lesson in what’s acceptable and what is not? A lesson to always hold back 5% for you? A lesson in how to be strong?
Or maybe it’s possible that he was both?
I don’t know, I am not there yet. But maybe one day Ms S (and all my other readers) I will look back and be able to smile on this situation too. Until that point though I will continue to put a smile on my face, embrace life and take each day at a time. Nothing lasts forever, not even your problems.
Love Katie xx
PS – I had a message of concern from someone very special after she read this post. She said ‘your blog’s supposed to be about happiness and this made me sad’. This is NOT meant to be a sad post people. The moral of the story is that when Mr Long Term and I split up, I was so sad. Then some months down the line I was able to look back and smile. That’s my aim about Mr Perfect too, I’m just not quite there yet! I am ok though. Life is good xxx